Being single at any age past 30 isn't easy. The pressure of my parents wanting grand-kids and me wanting companionship seems overwhelming at times. At times I wonder what I've done wrong or what haven't I done?
Recently I've come to come realizations about myself. Some have come from conversations with God while others have come from conversations with friends/elders at my church and mentors. It's interesting to see the self patterns that plague us. We don't realize it until we're up to our necks in guilt, shame or depression. In general I've never seen myself as a depressed person. Most people who see me around see me as a pretty easy going guy. I crack jokes, poke fun at people and generally enjoy being around others and seem pretty happy in general.
What most didn't know about me is that I've been hiding. I spent allot of my late teen and adult life hearing some of the things that my father said to me over the years and felling discouraged, beating myself up, hurting and then not telling anyone. I've been hiding the fact that I've been struggling, feeling alone and unloved. To some I have come across as unapproachable and rightly so, deep down I have been hiding who I am. I've been afraid people won't like the whole John and then I would get upset or hurt that no one seems to try to get to know the real me. What I haven't realized until recently is that I've been showing only one side of my personally. Like most men I've tried to show the strong side or the funny side.
I haven't expressed to many how my heart breaks when I talk to others who feel unworthy, or unloved. My heart breaks when I hear about the young girl or guy who is teased and then commits suicide. I wish they would have known how much they are loved. I can relate the their feelings of loneliness or being abandoned by those who above all people should have love you and stuck with you.
At the same time I'm grateful for God's hand in my life. He's placed key people around me over the years to keep me moving forward, shaping me and loving me and believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself. I'm thankful for my stand-in parents. I don't know that they realize that I wouldn't be alive today if I had not met them 13 years ago. I would have given up at a very early age and would have been one of those people in the news.
I spent allot of my life trying to add up, comparing myself to others. I've always felt like I don't fit and never quite felt like I was really worth something. Even today I with out meaning to I look at others around me and catch myself thinking "If only I was like that _________."
It's very much human nature to compare ourselves to those around us. I have at times based who I am (my identity) on others who seems like they have everything I want or think I need. What I have failed to realize is that Gods thoughts about me are different then what I have heard or thought about myself. God's plan for me is bigger then I realized. God's thoughts towards me are better then what I have thought about myself.
God has been on the back burner.
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, and he shall bring it to pass. - Proverbs 37:4-5
What does the word desire mean in this passage? Some have used it to say that if you follow God he would give you that brand new Mercedes you've been wanting. I believe that mans desires lay much deeper that an object such as a car? Deep down we are looking for some key things.
- Acceptance
- Safety
- Unconditional Love
I believe when God is talking about giving us the desires of our heart he is talking about us finding that acceptance, safety and unconditional love. Allot of this chapter of Proverbs is talking about a life with God filled with safety from enemy's, not feeling shameful and God showing others your righteousness for his sake.
As I sit here I'm still struggling through my own insecurities, I'm struggling with measuring up and giving my future to the Lord. Over the last 6 months God has been very faithful to show me his love. He has allowed me to see him differently then I ever have before. I've chosen to see the cross differently then I have in the past. As I struggle with my live, God would have me lay those things down at the cross realized that I'm broken and unable to experience true acceptance safety or unconditional love with out his sacrifice.
I'm humbled to realize that Jesus knows my struggles sees my future and has lead me this point of realizing that my need for him lays behind my religion, identity as a Christian and routine of showing up at church every Sunday and worshiping him, but rather coming to place of dependence and fellowship with his spirit. I'm thankful and humbled that he would die for my sin, love me through my struggles and beckon me to spend time with him and experience him and all that he has. I'm thankful for him leading me to a place of realizing that my need for the cross is bigger then I've realized in my 20+ years of being a Christian.
Truly today I am different then I was yesterday.
- Today I lay down my life, self image and goals at his feet knowing that there's nothing that I can do with out his help.
- Today I choose to look at every struggle as an opportunity to go to Jesus for my source of strength.
- Today I choose to really put my future in his hands, listen for his voice and spend more time learning about who he is and seeking my identity though how he sees me.
More Blog post to follow as I walk though my journey with the Lord and seeing what he's doing in mylife. I'm sure big things are coming and its time to get ready for God to do great things!
John
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